MUTUAL AID MATTERS: PART THREE

HAPPY

“STILL IN A PANDEMMY & SOCIAL JUSTICE UPRISING”

NEW YEAR, Y’ALL!!!

2019 BE LIKE......

lEMME MESS WITH YOUR NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS A LIL BIT.

cONTINUED, Per PART TWO…….

None of these poaching ass founders/owners/boards members talk about that shit. The gatekeeping on the provision of adequate healthcare to racialized folks is damn Fort Knox. But then, to expect marginalized folks to MOVE MF’N MOUNTAINS to get their requirements filled. When we cannot even get adequate healthcare treatment????? But you want to use us to make your organization more “inclusive”??? Racialized folks are to take their trainings to feel “more equipped”? More equipped because you are getting your ancestral knowledge fed to you from a Gerber jar? Or, tell newly trained doulas to find someone to mentor them??? Not here is a list of “doula-friendly care providers”??? The worst part is they use the LACK of decolonized, marginalized, racialized bodies and minds to push their narratives. Sound familiar? Peak slavery tactic to use one’s own people to keep control and notoriety. Hello, Bigger Long in “Harriet” or, Mr and Mrs. Candy raised by Stephen in “D’Jango Unchained”…Hello house vs field slave bs….Hello oppressive power dynamics. Go through the social media and look at the changes of these various organizations that you contribute to. The appearance of racialized bodies coincide with the public executions and home invasions of George Floyd & Breonna Taylor. But, Black bodies STILL are dying while bringing forth life. Imagine if all DONA/DTI/CBI members (past/present/future….oh bih, do not worry, I know of all these “professional” organizations) had to read bell hooks, James Baldwin, Nichole Rhiannon-Jones, Cornel West, Elaine Brown, Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, Angela Davis, “Buy Black”only during the course, and be submitted to a panel of racialized, marginalized folks for their certification process in becoming a doulaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLZZZZZZZZZ……

No, Karen. This is EXACTLY what you signed up for.

I imagine a world where the pink pussy hats would become the collection baskets for mandatory reparations. And they would circulate ‘em through their families, their racist ass elders, bosses, friends, community hangouts. Then they would switch em out for those Thirty-One bags, and fill them on up. I know the depth of white supremacy and resentment due to it, personally. They use our own who don’t have the inner library of self-actualization and realization at their fingertips, stuck in survival, to drive their own deeper into a system that was not built to save, but to kill them/or use them as collateral. But ya girl is a troublemaker, difficult, aggressive, angry, hard-to-work-with because I ask for accountability????? But, they and their ancestors have stolen time and time and time again from racialized bodies, built tables excluding us, then begrudgingly offered us silent seats at said table, and then chained us to said table expecting us to carry it towards our our own liberation? But they are okay with giving money to organizations that give A FRACTION of the dollar to the target group????? What happened to “give unto others as you would have given unto you”??? But be quoting “eye for an eye”? Especially, when Jesus said “to turn the other cheek”?

end transmission.

That is why I split my fee. Because colonizers gonna colonize. Because gatekeeping is real and racist. Because Black folks should NOT have to choose to charge less, or not at all to provide services to their own. Because your favorite IG famous birthworkers are capitalist af, care only for the visibility, and the clicks-to-cash ratio into their pockets, Because, it is primarily racialized, marginalized folks that your favorite local doulas used for certification, and are now taking those folks on for a tax break. Because the volume of doulas acting out of trauma-bonding, white guilt, white savior complex, voyeurism, exploitation is fucking out of control. Because my people ARE NOT a fucking Save the Children commercial. Because I am not going to use my people as a tax break, in the same country that refuses to give reparations for documented genocide and abuse. Because this country will bailout the automotive/airline/mining industry with billions, but refuses to provide clean water/affordable housing/adequate nutrition and healthcare. Because a teenage, far-right poster boy can provoke and kill people exercising their First Amendment right, pick his jury, be loved by the judge, acquitted of murder, AND OFFERED INTERNSHIPS IN CONGRESS. But, a teenage Black girl-Chrystul Kizer who was fighting for her life, as a sex trafficking victim……. is in prison, FACING LIFE IN PRISON. Because Austin city council members can be misinformed on data about incarcerated women, and vy for a new prison for women, but not go as hard for affordable housing in the most expensive city in the U.S OUTSIDE OF CALIFORNIA. Because of the Stanford Prison Experiment. Because of Betsy, Lucy and Anarcha. Because of the colonization of solidarity. Because the very essence of popular, fashion, art culture is derived from Black culture, the slang of the LGBTQIA+ comes from BLACK FOLKS (Jonathon Van Ness = prime appropriating example), you favorite rock stars emulated Black musicians, your favorite fashion trends stolen from the same urban and ethnic streets that affluent redline and gentrify (REST IN POWER, VIRGIL ABLOH & may TELFAR fuck up these LVMH streets). Your favorite non-racialized reality stars are well known because of cultural appropriation. Your favorite perfume notes are all stolen from people with melanin. From the roses of Africa, India and the Middle East, to the tropical herbals of the many islands on this planet.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, stopping to smell her privilege.

Because the white-washed call for you to save your containers and jars has been a practice by all marginalized and oppressed folks in this country. But, your charity won’t allow for them to buy the nicest silicone/glass storage ware. Because the Red Cross, Salvation Army uses most of your contributions as payment for administration, not on the ground action. Because the religious right refuses to care for the poor, widowed, oppressed and imprisoned as charged, but refuse “to give Caesar what is due unto Caesar”. Because white, liberal feminists will also continue to exploit the suffering of the marginalized and racialized, because they really want to be equal to white, cisgendered men. These women will continue to use Black folks, gather proximity points, meddle in all kinds of folks business abroad, and continue to treat Indigenous/Meso-American/Latinx folks as the help while celebrating Juneteenth & Cinco de Mayo. And the worst part is if they do something for you, you should be grateful they even cared to do anything at all. You should be grateful they allowed you to exist in the same realm as them.

Sureeeeeeeeeeee.

Because racialized medical Anatomy & Physiology illustrations went viral in these innanets streets, telling folks to donate to GoFundMe efforts when Gofundme takes a significant cut of the proceeds. BUT, WILL NOT HOLD THE PUBLISHERS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE OMISSIONS. THE OMISSIONS THAT REINFORCE THE LIES THAT WE DO NOT FEEL PAIN, SUFFERING AND EXPERIENCE LIFE THE SAME. THE LIES THAT ARE KILLING BLACK WOMEN BRINGING FORTH LIFE. lies that lead to undignified deaths at the helms of a system not built for us.

I was fooled for a minute. Short ass minute that felt long af.

Got us focusing on the past and the future, but THEY WILL co-opt this call for inclusion by having their white illustrators do what we are in awe of having missed. The Educated Birth, run by a BLACK WOMAN has been doing this for now SIX years. There is another BLACK WOMAN PHYSICIAN, @gorjusdoc on IG that has been doing this FOR YEARS. But just as if slavery had never been abolished, it is a Black man out in these streets, for sale to the highest bidder (our coin into his GoFundMe) while the white-led, owned and supported publishers will deny THEM ALL their due hiring, publishing rights AND royalties. Deny THEM ALL EQUITABLE LEGACY BUILDING.

Because I will not eat, while my people starve. Because I am accountable af. Because I believe in harm reduction and equity. Because I have made mistakes. Because I have had to ask for forgiveness. Because my purpose has NEVER BEEN for my personal wealth hoarding and public appearance.

and, what.

I was raised by a very religious, Southern Baptist grandmother. You can read that in these blogs. I know The Word. And something I realized when I left the evangelical church, was that folk love to say The Lord’s Prayer, but totally cut out all of Matthew, Chapter 6. The whole “lemme take that part only, and believe I am exempt from the wrath of God” thing didn’t really sit, nor fit well in my spirit. STILL DOES NOT. But, I cannot say that Jesus was a feminist for washing a woman’s feet, hanging out in a house with SINGLE women alone without a chaperone (Jewish Law Y’ALL), and kicking it with the ostracized woman at the well???? The pickers and choosers also do not know the geneaology of Jesus. It is filled with folks who were no one, political and social outcasts, atypical women, deceptive humans, major historical figures….but all Middle Eastern folks. It is said “that the truth never gets old. What is new, must not be the truth.” That picking and choosing mess is not old during the course of spiritual study, but the ways in which it is done are new/novel.

The bible that #45 stood on the steps of St. John’s Church with a MILITARY ESCORT (make it make sense, Jesus) says that you should give without pronouncement, and seeking acknowledgment……do so that your left hand does not know what your right hand is doing. Is it me, or are so many birthworkers in these streets, trying to get all the money on stolen knowledge, and trying to seem like they giving their all?

But let me correctly quote, and cite Jesus for the unknowing. I mean, I might cite the Quran, Torah, Dhammapada, Treasury of Knowledge, Bhaghadavita, Popol Vuh, and Ifa Divination texts for those who wanna box on some bs…...

Matthew Chapter 6, ESV

Giving to the Needy

1 “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.

2 “Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

The Lord's Prayer

5 “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. 6 But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

7 “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. 9 Pray then like this:

“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
10 Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread,
12 and forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from evil.

14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Fasting

16 “And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. 17 But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, 18 that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

Lay Up Treasures in Heaven

19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust[e] destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, 23 but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

Do Not Be Anxious

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Holy Children of Saint Destiny.

The only people I know that have lived by these words , are the racialized, marginalized bodies of colonialism’s diaspora…”the unsaved savages” of missionary efforts, the “sacrificial lambs for the lands of milk & honey”, “the uneducated/uncouth hoarders of precious commodities”, “the welfare moms”, “sexual heathens” and all them other dumb ass phrases their favorite news/history channels and literature spew. …I have a whole lifetime of knowledge on the poisons of religious colonialism. The “Iron Dome” was/is financed by Christianity in this country holding residual guilt about WWII, when Judaism doesn’t even believe in Jesus as The Messiah????? Common Sense says….

Yup. Where them slavery reparations at?

These occupied people…..they have more weight with the God of my ancestors, than a whole SBC Convention of Leaders. I have met, hung out with and even befriended a shit ton of hypocrites. And hypocrites aren’t just Christian, btw. Hypocrisy is an indicator of religiosity. An indicator of not fully sitting into spirit. An indicator of only taking a small bite, but talking a big game at the buffet. But then they wanna ask for “forgiveness”?????

But, Critical Race Theory is being BANNED in schools. Being honest about the history of this country’s origins, and current operations is being BANNED in schools. Teachers can lose their jobs for teaching how and why we ended up with “Race/Ethnicity” on all of our government, employment, healthcare etc, etc, etc forms?????

God loves the earnest prayer of an addict, more than the poised poetry of a cleric. His words, not mine.

boop.

An enlightened friend said to me “it is not what they do, but what they do not do. Not what they say, but what they don’t say”……..

Spicy, and concise.

And A LOT of your favorites are giving public lip service, but private persecution.

choose wisely.

MUTUAL AID MATTERS: PART TWO

Welcome back. You ready for PART TWO?

Me too, Lisa, MEEEEE TOO!

I do what I do, why I do it, HOW I do it, because of a day like a recent one in my life.

On an afternoon walk with a friend (at the time, TBC), a dog was running back and forth across a street without a leash. This street is the main vein and artery of my neighborhood, an inlet and outlet. We agreed to get it home, as it had tags on its collar that we could see about 40-50 feet away. Well, that I could see anyway (checking my own ableist ass mouth). I also recognized the dog. The owner asked me about my dog (of the same breed, but covered in lipomas) earlier in the year. As we approached, the -fully outchea kicking it- dog’s spinal hair stood up. That justified my understanding in having a nervous, loose dog on a street, with heavy pediatric foot traffic was an endangering situation. I have dogs, and understand canine companionship, as does the accompanying friend. We like the responsible citizens and dog owners we are, the friend posed the questions of helping the dog go back home. I relayed my familiarity and we obliged by continuing our walk in the original direction, in the path of the dog’s escapade area…..

We knew better than to try to catch a nervous dog on the loose. Them hackles NEVER lie. Upon traversing one block, the dog darted between two houses. The friend discovered that the side gate into the backyard, where the dog darted to was open. I live in the neighborhood, and had met the owner (HE spoke to me initially all those months ago). So, I rang the doorbell to let the homeowner know that the dog was loose, we found him, and that we would close their wide open gate. Ya know, being kind…loving my neighbor and all. After two attempts of ringing the ADT digital doorbell (contains a HD camera, speaker, AND accessible via app), about two min apart.…..the second attempt was met with obscure yelling in the home. The older (60-70 yo), 6’1 to 6’4” tall, white male answered the door with his 1911 in waistband, safety off and hand ready. Yes, you read that correct. He came to the door with his gun. The house that had its address spray painted with a UT logo, the house that had “Grandpa’s House” as a cut out iron sign in front, the house that had a camera that showed me in my purple Bearpaw boots, red Garner State Park hoodie, black cotton headwrap, grey yoga pants (the standard chill Austin yogi uniform) holding a chai tea latte, in a pewter YETI knockoff thermos, on a walk with a friend…..is the same house where someone felt the need to answer the door with a gun.

The look on Zuckerbaby's face, and the man at that door will never leave my mind.

An attempt to be a good neighbor was met with a firearm. I live in an affluent suburb. I am light-skinned, big haired and freckled……..and I have had a whole conversation with this man previously about my dog, and his dog. He stopped me on my walk. But, that did not stop him from feeling threatened by my presence on his doorstep.

…….The homeowner’s dog was loose, running back and forth across the street, afraid of strangers, an endangerment to kids and drivers. Nice and kind to him, and my community in returning his dog. Nice and kind by not calling 311, having Animal Control Services pickup his dog, and impound it.

I am so grateful, that I was with a friend. That if I would have had bullets into my chest, I had a witness, and another good soul to vouch for the intentions of being on his doorstep. How many more Black folks do not have witnesses at the moments of injustice? How many more of my racialized relations are dealing with this shit on the regular from EVERYBODY?????? How many little Black girls at school, Black women at home, Black boys playing, Black men just breathing, Black trans folks just being…us just trying to survive.. do not have witnesses to stop the lies of white supremacy?

Dear White Flight, Guilt and Privilege....

The reason I do what I do, is because that gun-brandishing man is a LAWYER FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AT AUSTIN (TY, PUBLIC RECORD and a phenomenal education in research methodology). Not a law professor or mentor, but an actual lawyer for the university. Empowered by his “hard work” and the law he is tasked with “interpreting”. Because an ableist that ended up in a wheelchair while out on a run, and SUED A NEIGHBOR FOR GRAVITY USING “THE LAW”, and played upon emotions to become a governor of this state…. Imagine if every Black person had the means and education to sue for the amount of assault/gross negligence/exploitation/discrimination, and essentially the legacy of racism in this country???? Whew LAWD that Kimberly Jones quote rings loud af in my head!!!! THE TRUTH NEVER GETS OLD.

WATCH THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

“they are lucky that what Black people are looking for is equality and not revenge.”

kimberly jones

#protectblackwomen

And that is on a elevator, and them hands.

A certain state senator….. a racist, sexist who abandons his “beloved” state during an deadly, disastrous winter storm (and any other time he sees fit), has the privilege and audacity to make a joke about his error in order to ridicule a governor of another state, DURING A PANDEMIC. But, dudes say they love Jesus? Their gaggle of power rabid, racist, homophobic, sexist, islamophobic, xenophobic, transphobic wealthy friends think that unregulated gun ownership spread across this place….makes sense. But if y’all knew that stats and demographics on the consummation of the various of genres of pornography (another one of their favorite scapegoats)……

But, SWEAR they are "holier than thou."

Jesus could not stand the Sadducees and Pharisees’ hypocrisy, and elitism. And these dudes act JUST like the very same religious & political elitists that had Jesus killed. But, they do not pick up on that part of the scripture. They also do not pick up on the fact that Jesus was a MIDDLE EASTERN, POOR, MIGRATORY MAN who HUNG OUT WITH ALL THE POLITICAL, HEALTH AND SOCIAL PARIAHS…..AND VANDALIZED A TEMPLE THAT WAS DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE CHURCH IS DOING TODAY..

That they should be, in all biblical fact and doctrine….. caring for the orphaned, widowed, incarcerated, and politically exiled……. But that is another exposé for another day. I am only speaking on my own previous affiliations, but Evangelical Christianity AIN’T the only corrupt, patriarcal, wealth hoarders who done stole and exploited…

Even Mama Ru got checked 'bout some bs, y'all. But not these fools?

These men make it so that people never have the chance to know their neighbor unless that person acts, looks and thinks like them (I have yet to see a 1911, Beretta, AR-15, nuclear warhead in any of humanity’s ancient spiritual texts, FYI)……..This gaggle of power rabid, racist, wealthy friends (empowered by their fake, feminists partners) have legally justified this man’s actions. But, morally endangered lives they refuse to acknowledge??? Sounds like the shepherds putting the sheep out to slaughter, not safety ta meeeeee. If that man who came to the door with that gun claimed self-defense after he took my life, then I would have died without justice. And, he would still have his dog. They want to be all up in our bodies without our consent or consideration of our humanity, dead or alive. There are soooo many laws making things that are morally correct, illegal (again breastfeeding in public JUST recently became legal in all 50 states, AND only certified NURSE-midwives are legal in all 50 states, but they about to overturn Roe vs Wade???? So, if the country cannot handle a pandemic, what makes these same law-making fools think it can handle a baby boom????). And so many more laws that make inhumane hatred, completely legal. I bore witness to violent xenophobia in the same week. And of course, the perpetrator said they would call the cops, knowing their position and privilege would dwarf their crime.

Kyle Rittenhouse's whole family, lawyers, the judge and jury's words.

But ask them to wear a mask after A MILLION folks have died IN THIS COUNTRY?………HOW DARRRREEEEE YOUUUUU. How DARE you ask them to protect the lives of others and their loved ones?

about that secondhand smoke situation.....

After over ONE MILLION people (five that I personally knew) have died of a virus that can be slowed with proper PPE (protective personal equipment) and vaccination? After access to adequate PPE and medicines were prevented by a political agenda for financial gain (#45 opted out of federal supply of necessary supplies to create an open marketplace for the highest bidders). After YET AGAIN, basic human rights denied for a POLITICAL AGENDA….but y’all done forgot about medical professionals wearing trash bags because
”it was the supply chain.” SMH.

The same supply chain that Rogel Aquilera-Mederos was working for when the brakes on his truck failed, and unfortunately four people lost their lived. Rogel was sober and on his grind. Rogel most likely is a pillar in his family, supporting himself, and various members of his lineage with his employment. This person had not a single blemish on his criminal history. Rogel immediately turned himself in, AND abided by the local, state & federal jurisdictions. That same supply chain is more important than the inhumane & unjust 110 years (AGAIN ONE HUNDRED AND TEN YEARS) he was sentenced to for an actual sober, freak mechanical accident. A law that even the judge said was not the sentence they would have given.

But Ethan Couch, a proud Texan, driving drunk and under the influence of Valium and marijuana, with a prior history of irresponsible and endangering behavior, WHO STOLE ALCOHOL THE SAME NIGHT, in his father’s supply chain sourcing and support company truck, filled beyond its human occupancy limit, speeding, driving reckless down a road, and KILLED four kids. The depositions are deep with parental neglect, enablement, and a clear indicator that he was a public safety hazard. But…..BUT, he received TEN YEARS PROBATION. Then, when dude was caught partying balls in Mexico…..with his mom, as an 18 year old, evading his probation officer……….they fled for a whole ass week, and set off a taxpayer funded manhunt. Dude got TWO FUCKING YEARS IN PRISON.

Remind me of how important that supply chain is again??????

Remind me of its priorities, employees, necessity of its’ protection and purpose?????

Our frontline healthcare providers & support staff walking into work the past two plus years.

I completely get it is hard to believe in a “God”, when folks act like they ARE GOD. Why believe in something that is used so detrimentally for personal gain, and justification of human rights violations? Talm’ bout “jihadists”, when their children/relatives/peers are domestic terrorists? Talm ‘bout the “Asian flu” but be lining up to Panda Express/the Chinese Buffet/enrolling their kids in karate, taekwondo, judo & kung-fu????

Homer never fails, lolololz.

And you wonder why I am set up in a Community Care, Mutual Aid model? Because even my publically palatable for the colorists/racists, light-skinned ass IS NOT SAFE IN MY OWN UPPER MIDDLE CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD. Because financial stability does NOT guarantee safety for Black bodies. Because I am certain if I moved a certain way, I would have had a bullet in my chest. Because Black families are met with this same hostility when seeking mental health support, when seeking better educational opportunities, when seeking employment, when seeking an AirBnB, when seeking medical care, when seeking justice, when seeking JUST TO FUCKING BREATHE. Because of the proximity to whiteness, creates privilege. Because some can choose to buy Huggies, Pampers, Frida Mom products, while the many have to buy generic, or second hand, or go without. Because people donate worn, dirty, damaged goods to families, instead of doing unto others as they would do unto themselves. Because elitist, white, liberal women have co-opted African American Maternal Mortality into their neo-colonialism (for those of you reading this that know me know me, these terms ain’t nothing new). Because right now in Austin, black doulas are having to serve their own FOR FREE.

This ain’t no activism based on guilt, or shame, or to be seen, or socially accepted. This is what I have experienced personally. I watched witnessed, and have been in the ripples of the murder of Black upward mobility. And if you think the “One Drop Rule” is dead, you have no internal sight, and are soaking in privilege. Because I have listened to white, and co-opted racialized people at non-profits go on jealous/envy filled rants about Black-led/run organizations, talking about what racialized bodies need to do, but refuse to place their power into the hands of the people their privilege oppresses…..Because this city puts Black organizers against each other for personal gain, and not a principality of liberation. Because Asian folks in this city have the most limited access to “certified” doulas that look like them. Because undocumented folks in this city are forced to sit under a guise of “Keeping it Weird” and “you are accepted in your weirdness” if you can pass/relinquish your racial identity and ethnic allegiance. America, the what again????

SAME, Bob. Same.

I am passionate about this because unlike most of the doulas in this city, I am not trying to be internet, industry or even personally famous. Capitalism does not make birth/health/death equity accessible (psst, lemme tell you a secret…..your ass probably still will not be able to afford adequate healthcare coverage until you hit 5-6 figures in profits, not revenue). Because if I can be under this same threat, then why tf not be passionate about making birth, health and death equitable? Because “pro-life” organizations are not trying to make birth accessible and humane in this country. Because those same groups will not ensure the children that they so vehemently want to “protect”, do not receive the same energy after they arrive. Why not, when I know that I know that I know that I have lived that the realities this world is based on the depth (or lack thereof amongst mine own) of melanin you possess? When I know for a fact that DONA uses Indigenous/Black/Meso-American/Asian knowledge to teach majority white folks how to be the best capitalist, neocolonist, sexist doula they can be. To teach racialized folk to commoditize their own? That DONA has made itself the standard for grants, government contracts, and general acceptance by the system that used Black bodies for commerce and education. That DTI white-washes knowledge and practices that black, radical, queer folks been yelling from the rooftops for years, but stacks a white af reading library, was created as a space for elite, white, liberal feminists, actively tokenizes and exploits racialized folks, changed that IRS filing status and “business structure”, and has yet to make a full apology (financial and public) for its role in disenfranchising marginalized people from birthwork. BOTH ORGANIZATIONS encourage and reinforce the exploitation of racial and gender based trauma. Both organizations are two sides of the same exclusive ass, name dropping coin. Both organizations (including Childbirth International) are now being used to write policy, for healthcare employment, for private enterprise employment, and exploit non-profits. I am certain one of their admins or “let me be nosy” doulas are gonna read this and suggest these changes without acknowledging where the “idea” came from. Those organizations fail to acknowledge the hurdles a Black doula must faces when getting clients, when asking healthcare professionals to fill out paperwork, to respond to evaluations……

Per your Jane/John DOE trainer.

I WORKED IN HEALTHCARE FOR YEARS…..DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO EVEN GET A MEDICARE CERTIFICATE OF MEDICAL NECESSITY (CMN) or A PRIOR AUTHORIZATION, OR EVEN AN AMENDMENT FOR THEM TO BILL THEIR OWN PATIENT???? HOW ABOUT PAPERWORK BACK FROM A HEALTHCARE PROVIDER WHO PROVIDED THE DIAGNOSIS, AND WROTE THE DAMN PRESCRIPTION?????? MANY TIMES IT IS A ONE PAGE DOCUMENT THAT THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS????????? LET ALONE A THREE PAGE EVALUATION FOR A NON-REGULATED INDUSTRY’S “LEADING” ORGANIZATIONs.

Preach, Cookie! In the NAME of gold nameplate necklaces.

I mean a WHOLE Ponzi, Pyramid, Respectability Politics SCHEME PLAYBOOK, Y’ALL.

to be continued in 2022……….

HAPPY HOLIDAZE!!!!!

MUTUAL AID MATTERS: PART ONE

“I worked my ass off for my money. Why should I give to them directly? when I give to <insert lists of not-for-profits, religious, political, government organizations>?”

*long ass sigh……with a forehead rub, and a headshake*

This is gonna be a long one. Another three parter y’all. Ya know a lil’ early holiday gift.

Why does someone else deserve to make a poverty-soured choice, when you make choices based on your financial privilege? And how do you know if the money you are contributing is being dispersed with your same intentions, to those you intend to help?

When you answer a question, with a question…….CHECKMATE, bih.

I hate that shit being done to me (because I ruminate over the response inquiry. ……marinating on how I could explore the subject matter from a new facet)…..It is also one of my strong suits as a doula. lol Literally, I disperse what I am given. Introspection helps keep people in their minds and bodies. It also gives people permission to ask questions. I am not into the whole gatekeeping of knowledge thing. Peak level oppression has many us believing that we have to keep things from each other that helps the whole get free. That behavior is exactly why we have to burn this shit down, and build our own tables. Predators gonna predate. I have always been the girl who when complimented on something I am wearing, I tell them exactly where, and when I got it. Or if I have found something magical, I share it with people that would vibe well with the discovery. If I win, and I allow others the room to win on their own terms…..then we all win, right?

But they who take/manipulate/prey, could NEVER do it like ME. I used to be nice, and kind to everyone. nOW, IM NICE TO EVERYONE, KIND TO THOSE THAT ARE ACCOUNTABLE, and transparent.

THAT PART

The primary source of that generosity is my maternal grandmother, Ethel. Daughter of sharecroppers from Clarksdale, MS…she would tell me to say “that came from goodness of The Lord, baby”….She, like many youth were sent to states along the Great Migration route from Jim Crow South seeking freedom, equity and opportunity. My maternal raised me in the first Black settlement and incorporated city in Missouri, the city of Kinloch. Somehow, despite leaving her mother to be with her aunt in a new city, systemic incarceration of her children due to the genocidal infiltration of crack/cocaine into her home, despite living in colorist (b.k.a racist) Saint Louis as a dark-skinned woman, being disenfranchised from completing her primary education amongst her peers due to desegregation, being left by her husband with their six children (seventh in utero), redlining, etc etc etc…….somehow, she served on the Usher and Mission boards, fed everyone and anyone who came by the house, managed to give whatever we were not using to someone who needed/would use it, taught us that a food bank/thrift store/giving tree were God’s provision and not a place for shame, and that we were all in a place far better than so many other people. All of that giving despite having her eldest daughter and three sons snatched due to Reaganomics, the crack/cocaine epidemic, and systemic incarceration. Some of my earliest memories are of going to visit my uncles in prison. I distinctly associate the smell of her fried chicken recipe with these replays. She was Blanche from “The Talking Eggs”, Strega Nona, Jesus feeding a 5000+ crowd……..making full spreads from the thrown away entrails of the entitled. Just as her mother did, and her mother before her. Freedom, equity and opportunity did not welcome her in St. Louis. But she made gold from dust. Alchemy is in my DNA.

Gold made from nothing.

I now know, that my grandmother’s generosity wasn’t just rooted in good faith and humility. Those were only facets of the conditioning of Black women to give without receiving, to care for, and heal all and every. A conditioning that still to this very day expects us to save this country, save elections, save non-profits, save the healthcare system, save folks from the very nation that dehumanizes us.

Congresswoman Maxine Waters is also, a Kinloch kid.

Someone recently tried to explain my fees and what I do as “charging white families more to support Black families.” This shit pissed me off so much. Bih, I ain’t no Robin Hood. First, because I charge A FRACTION of what white doulas are expecting folk to pay, they pocket their whole damn fees, AND I am actually underpaying myself by splitting my “below the market for my experience” fee. Right down the middle. Same service, same quality, same love, just one family gets their care delivered to them on the terms that they decide without the red tape of determining eligibility/worth. Yup, you read that right. I split my fee. The Black family can take the money, or take the service. THEIR CHOICE. If I charged what I am actually worth……then I would be treated as a “crazy woman”, “out of touch with reality”……etc, etc, etc.

Because doula and midwifery care were stolen from occupied people of this land, and the lands fallen to colonization. Because they are in these streets talm ‘bout “The First 40 Days”, but peak level xenophobic and anti-immigrant? Because nursing and healthcare were taken from Indigenous/Black/racialized minds, used Black bodies to deliver the knowledge base for obstetrics and gynecology as we know it today. Because how dare I, an overqualified, over-educated, light-skinned, Black woman charge what I am worth??

but they wanna be this lady....

Why would I do this? Why would I devalue myself to make what I do attractive to potential clients? If owing this government $60K+ in student loans for a collegiate graduation, and paying child support has taught me anything, it is that the wealthy are generally legally manipulative, bargain-hunting, and cheap. Completely happy to pay you less, while paying themselves and expecting the most. The CEO of the San Antonio Food Bank received a 110% salary increase over the course of this pandemic, while its main and satellite centers had an over 300% increase in the number of families they were feeding. The issue is not just the amount of the salary, it is the lack of hiring and pay freezes into the infrastructure that is doing all of the heavy lifting. It is the fact that there are no designated breast/body-feeding areas in any of these food bank locations. Yup, you read that right. There is no place in quite a few of the satellite and main location of the San Antonio Food Bank to allow people to give their children OUR FIRST FOOD of HUMAN MILK. That many of the gardening beds they boast to provide fresh nutrition, are dry and empty because there is no infrastructure to support it. The entire foundation of the whole non-profit is exposed to the elements, all the while the roof is brand new and laden with tiles. Look at Central Texas Food Bank, the latest salaries are not public information for a REASON. There is not just the Medical Industrial Complex and the Prison Industrial Complex, children. There is ALSO, the Non-Profit/Not-for-Profit Industrial Complex……..But that’s an exposé fa ‘another day.

Why would I still devalue myself knowing that? Knowing that I am actually 5000X more qualified than most of those folks in those doula “directories”? (Yeah, that minimization of myself to make you feel big, that is DEADT. Not transitioned, BUT DEAD/NULL/NON-EXISTENT). Because the systemic, racist oppression of Black folks is weaved into every single fiber of this country. So much so that doula care is for the elite, financially stable, and nine times out of ten the non-ethnic, non-melanated person moves as if having a doula is vying to be the next Pumpkin Spice Latte. So much chatter about decolonizing birth, but only crickets when it comes the to the capitalist and white supremacy running rampant in this “birthworker” space. DONA & DTI empower legal, medical and their other trainees to enter conferences, talks and seminars to further poach information/methodology/culture….then to integrate the stolen into their own business, while feeding the beast of the organization. Rumi wrote a poem about a wife that would eat all of the meat her partner worked over two hundred days to acquire….and then would lie about it. Sounds familiar?

Wednesday Addams had the right idea.

If I have one client who gets it. Who understands/appreciate the lengths I go to ensure that my suppliers are adequately paid a fair and honest wage for their efforts. Another client that understands that the earth, I tend to stays clean and carbon positive. And another clients that gets that I do not take pictures because your data is YOURS. I do not play about autonomy and consent. The minute you put your child and life transition on the internet, it is no longer a closed and sacred space. The minute that child is on the internet, you and your child immediately are revenue to someone you will never meet. The minute your loss is put on the internet, becomes a source of critique and emotional exposure to a society that thinks you should move on, as if the loss was not a whole-ass part of your chest. That one client who also understands that a Black family does not get the luxury of having their autonomy and consent considered at all times. That the desire to rear a child or bury a loved one should not be plagued by poverty and exploitation. Especially, when the system is set-up to put you there, primed and ready to be feasted upon by culture vultures and emotional parasites. And is also designed so that we question and degrade our own???

TO BE CONTINUED……..bih.

Pressure Release/Applying Pressure: Part Three

Racism in healthcare implementation, management and operation. White medical professionals are doing harm in peoples’ homes WITHOUT ACCOUNTABILITY.

Let's.

 In 2017, after realizing I need to focus on learning the infrastructure that is systemically disenfranchising black folk from equitable healthcare…..I was sought after and recruited by Blue Cross-Blue Shield of Texas to be a Case Manager for their Texas STAR-KIDS managed care contract implementation.

Lemme get right first.

The population served by this contract are pediatric members with SPECIAL NEEDS in urban, urban-adjacent and rural areas. Many of these children require medical attention beyond the typical pediatric clinic. They require targeted mental health support, frequent durable medical equipment assessments/upgrades, educational interventions, caregiver education, medication reconciliation, accessing pharmacies, evaluations for in-home assistance, on top of assessment concerning the improvement/stability/decline of illness. I was a part of a team of RNs, LVNs, LPCs, and LCSWs. I had the kids that pro-life campaigners forget about when making conflated promises of caring for all children after they breathe the same air. Physical, Intellectual, Mental Differently-Abled humans are no less human. But, I could not find a single pro-life advocate outside the homes of the members…..I went into this job from being a Volunteer Coordinator for the same volunteer organization that I went to that dumb ass DONA training in order to do what I had been doing……. I knew all too well the corporate environment. But, I was not about to let them pay me peanuts when I am beyond over-qualified. Tried that “but you’re not actually a nurse” shit on me before, and I always end up being a go to because I work twice as hard as everyone else…... No bih, gimme my coin. I possess the basic education and experience for the job, so I knew not to undervalue myself if i went back to corporate America.

Bet.

The shit started the first damn month. The initial complaint being that the 90% white staff hated calling the language translation line for non-english speaking members. The manner of insults that these healthcare workers (prior occupants of our local NICU/PICU, Obstetric, Pediatric, Family Medicine, Home Health, Cosmetic Surgery hospitals and clinics) was not only audible, visual and palpable. I truly tried to rationalize it as the adjustment from the clinic to case management. By month four, I tried to excuse it as personality conflicts with members. By month seven, I knew I had to stop trying to excuse behavior because racists did not excuse themselves from their comments. In trying to ensure I minimized my interaction with said team members, I made sure to familiarize myself with our support staff. The various interpreters I worked with on-site expressed their un-comfortability and traumatic observations to me at length. Most of the racist and classist responses poured from the registered nurses on staff, but there were sporadic, yet impactful comments from a certain LCSW Manager. These people are the people that do not ask questions before calling Child Protective Services. These are the people that do not think of the time someone has to take out of their lives to meet with them. Homes, meals, yards, clothes, pets, relatives and any possible thing you can think of in your intimate space was open for evaluation. All of these things that make up our lives were under constant criticism based on race, socio-economic status, sexuality and diagnosis.

Please.

STRIKE ONE.

Without missing a beat, these racists.

Over the course of the next six months, the staff would express not feeling safe in predominantly BLACK and LATINX areas of Travis and surrounding counties. Raving about Starbucks new locations where homes, parks and hand-reared businesses once thrived. Pulling up in these communities dripping with their wealth on wheels. Expressing they will never wear open toed shoes in “roach infested living rooms”. Expressing “how can they have the latest iPhone, but not have minutes to talk to me?” Expressing “They only want to get approved for an iPad so they can use it, it is not for the kid.” of “they are just trying to get approved for the kid’s SSI check.” But you don’t feel safe? This was bolstered by an actual ostracization of the only Black nurse manager due to calling for better care standards and employee conduct. Surveillance on the four darker skinned employees by the Director and Program Manager. Let me mention that of course the Black Nurse Manager was on locked and hitting their numbers (which were made up by a Program Director, trained in Speech Language Pathology that had been out of practice for years, and a Geriatric Home Health nurse who worked in support of the CCC for only maybe a year). Consistently and clearly, the Nurse Manager was Black Excellence. But the hierarchy was forceful and critical regardless, because black women have to be three times better at EVERYTHING.

Exhausted, Annoyed, Repugnated.

Strike TWO.

Where are you, Jesus?

 

I AM REALLY TRYING AT THIS POINT TO JUST GATHER INFO…..AND STAY SANE.

We had a quota of four Individual Service Plans (ISPs) and Screening and Assessment Instruments (SAIs) a week. This was compounded by actual case management. A bih was doing SIX to EIGHT A WEEK. I was as usual, the outlier. My life experience, education and basic ass compassion knew I needed to work around employed care takers’ schedules. So if that parent could only meet at 6 am before school/work, that is when we met. If they could only meet when they got off at 7pm, we met after 7….period. I was a salaried employee. I had flexibility, my caretakers and members rarely had that professional luxury. I had reliable transportation, internet services, did not live in a food desert, speak English. I had an personal obligation to do as much as I could (and a professional obligation per the company culture) in the time that ensured my caseload was being properly managed. This was beyond my pay, btw. Was not a 40hr work week on a slow week. Members that were deemed unreachable were back under adequate care, seeing their primary care providers, caretakers given resources to ensure their most basic needs were met. My high risk mental health kids were given targeted care plans, access to care providers that look like them, and affirmations that they can be whatever they want. Cause a heaux is RESOURCEFUL AF. I gave NICU families a lens into healthcare to ensure that they had access to all that they are entitled to at discharge (it never covers the reality of the next three to five years if you don’t have secondary insurance). People are not educated on the necessity for Medicaid despite your socio-economic status. A child in the NICU/PICU can bankrupt a family. I didn’t code-switch with my families, I spoke to them in the manner best for their comprehension. I let every single one of my kids know that I was them. And they too could go to college if they wanted to, travel the world, and be whomever they are destined to be.  

 

WIN……IT IS WHAT I DO

As I presented solution after solution to the gripes of my team during team meetings, it became abundantly clear I was working with some racist as fuck white women. I really tried, every single meeting to present a accessible solution. A real team player. Shitty part is that the ringleaders were my bosses. I watched favoritism, teenage clique behavior press hard. But, bc this light-skinned privilege, these folks felt safe to talk and do all kinds of fuck shit in front of me. But, I am not dumb. I returned to the old lab and clinical saying “If you did not document it, it did not happen.” I turned my journal into my lab notebook, my SOAP note. And I began documenting the macro and micro-aggressions I saw in member’s profile notes, the slave/master narrative they pushed with the black project manager (lemme know when setting up a grown person’s workstation and iPad is the job of a PROJECT MANAGER), the micromanaging of the black and non-white employees’ time, then the end all be all……the numerous times the LCSW Manager for the Mental Health provision contract touched my hair. Then her mentioning to traveling to Africa upon the discussion of me going to Germany with my non-American, German partner. Consistently ear-hustling and interjecting in conversations between myself and another team member. Did I mention this was a middle aged, white woman who claimed to be a feminist??? Oh shit, I didn’t mention that? My boss and her best friend who was all of our bosses were proclaimed feminists and atheists…….and legit racists.

Unleash the fury on a bih.

STRIKE THREE…….BUT, I BELIEVE IN DIVINE INTERVENTION.

'cause an angel held me close....

And a felony assault charge did not make the books THAT DAY…...

All the time.

That third time…..when she went in with her hands to my hair on an elevator….was the breaking point. I reported a bih. It is the only thing I could do. I was tempted to file a police report for harassment. But, I knew the process of making this known. I also knew that odds were stacked against me because “angry black woman” and “white tears” narratives would be in full force by management. Due to the reporting process and the nature of my supervisor’s relationship with Long Arms Linda the LCSW, I ended up being unreachable by my boss for three hours. Three hours of multiple meetings with HR from the Mental Health contractor concerning the LCSW rehashing her fuck shit over and over again. I gave that bitch one too many chances to touch me without repercussions. When I finally was able to meet with my boss remotely, I sat in an open conference room, in tears, exhausted explaining where I was and what I was doing. Her BFF/her boss (Geriatric Home Health Haggard) walked in, and laughed in my face as she heard me rehash what happened. I deuced out after that per my primary care provider and therapist’ recommendations that the job was a prime contributor in the deterioration of my physical and mental health.  

This is why I have a therapist.

Imagine if this had been a workplace with an ethnic majority, a black majority? You think Karen would still play Steve Irwin with Black People at work?

With her predatory ass.

I was done. I filed an EEOC complaint with documentation. Two other folks also filed complaints. Results: NOTHING. Unless I had recordings or video, it was their words against mine. It is these same racist folks who are in hospitals not listening to racialized black and brown birthing folk. Not listening to our children. These people are literally blaming caretakers for not giving adequate care to their children with medications in a foreign language. Legit would not even ensure the member’s meds were in a language that the caretaker could read, y’all. Then blame the caretaker for frequent hospitalization…….like Western Medicine is as clear as kindergarten????? Like these caretakers are born with your whole degree in their minds, and your just helping them use it??? Like the discharge doctor or nurse sat them down and fully explained in their native language, at their comprehension level EXACTLY how to dose, dispense and dispose of medications? Y’all these people genuinely believe they were out here doing “God’s Work” (their words, not mine) and improving quality of life. And they can behave this way because of gatekeeping, lawyers, conformist kinfolk, control of people’s paycheck.

Their mascot

But, this was my last attempt at acceptance. There are so many other things that happened, but I chose to speak on these because of the lies being told about healthcare legislation, home health, case management, and who holds those positions. I have tried since my first paycheck in life to make sure that I am an operational asset. I can no longer say that knowing that silence is a part of that accolade. These people weaponized their knowledge, dehumanized families and limited compassion to peers. Those are 18 months I can never erase from my brain. I have now seen racism from the lab bench to the park bench. And those holding clinical licensures, using a tool for good to cause harm in every single setting they are allowed to do so. I will not be sharing arrival or departure stories of clients on this blog in regards to systemic racism without their words/experience/emotions being front and center. Their stories are not mine to share.

HEART Rituals, LLC could come of nothing. But, you will NOT catch me in another white-led and run business as an employee. NOPE….Must be a make it/break it matter for me to make that sacrifice again. I am not saying that there are not white/white-presenting people who make amazing bosses and colleagues. What I am saying is that due to the nature of intimacy, birth, death, health and life as it is lived, I cannot work for another human being that does not have the care and capacity for the humanity of racialized black and brown bodies. These same nurses were wined, warm and in comfort, displaying privilege on social media as their caseloads endure a pandemic, endured a winter storm and political isolation. Peak IG Influencer behavior on tax dollars in full display. People are allowed to enjoy the comforts of their efforts and earning. But when your job is to ensure accessibility, stability and empathy, and you choose to demean a person based on circumstance….you are a different kind of broken person. When you choose to demean a person when the society they live in does not work towards their success, you are a different kind of neglectful person. The nature of corporate America and indeed, healthcare is that we throw people away that “do not make the numbers look good”. And, these people engage this tender population in the same regards.

The whole truth, and nothing but the truth, Ruth.

So, I am fully aware that folks may not want the weight of who I am at their transitions because of the magnitude shared even here. I work to educate my clients using science, spirit and a whole lot of substance due to personal experience. The reaches of my empathy go beyond the normal because the of breadth of life I have lived and seen transition. Racism is just a constant part of that breadth. Sadly, it truly does scientifically, spiritually and substantially impact every area of life before air even hits alveoli. So, in sharing these three small parts, maybe you can see the roots of purposeful compassion and righteous anger.

I was told not to long ago by an amazing soul, “Ras, you are not a vessel. You are a portal.”

Listen to Mama Badoula...

You are welcome to open this door if you want to, but most definitely if you need to.