“I worked my ass off for my money. Why should I give to them directly? when I give to <insert lists of not-for-profits, religious, political, government organizations>?”
*long ass sigh……with a forehead rub, and a headshake*
This is gonna be a long one. Another three parter y’all. Ya know a lil’ early holiday gift.
Why does someone else deserve to make a poverty-soured choice, when you make choices based on your financial privilege? And how do you know if the money you are contributing is being dispersed with your same intentions, to those you intend to help?
When you answer a question, with a question…….CHECKMATE, bih.
I hate that shit being done to me (because I ruminate over the response inquiry. ……marinating on how I could explore the subject matter from a new facet)…..It is also one of my strong suits as a doula. lol Literally, I disperse what I am given. Introspection helps keep people in their minds and bodies. It also gives people permission to ask questions. I am not into the whole gatekeeping of knowledge thing. Peak level oppression has many us believing that we have to keep things from each other that helps the whole get free. That behavior is exactly why we have to burn this shit down, and build our own tables. Predators gonna predate. I have always been the girl who when complimented on something I am wearing, I tell them exactly where, and when I got it. Or if I have found something magical, I share it with people that would vibe well with the discovery. If I win, and I allow others the room to win on their own terms…..then we all win, right?
But they who take/manipulate/prey, could NEVER do it like ME. I used to be nice, and kind to everyone. nOW, IM NICE TO EVERYONE, KIND TO THOSE THAT ARE ACCOUNTABLE, and transparent.
The primary source of that generosity is my maternal grandmother, Ethel. Daughter of sharecroppers from Clarksdale, MS…she would tell me to say “that came from goodness of The Lord, baby”….She, like many youth were sent to states along the Great Migration route from Jim Crow South seeking freedom, equity and opportunity. My maternal raised me in the first Black settlement and incorporated city in Missouri, the city of Kinloch. Somehow, despite leaving her mother to be with her aunt in a new city, systemic incarceration of her children due to the genocidal infiltration of crack/cocaine into her home, despite living in colorist (b.k.a racist) Saint Louis as a dark-skinned woman, being disenfranchised from completing her primary education amongst her peers due to desegregation, being left by her husband with their six children (seventh in utero), redlining, etc etc etc…….somehow, she served on the Usher and Mission boards, fed everyone and anyone who came by the house, managed to give whatever we were not using to someone who needed/would use it, taught us that a food bank/thrift store/giving tree were God’s provision and not a place for shame, and that we were all in a place far better than so many other people. All of that giving despite having her eldest daughter and three sons snatched due to Reaganomics, the crack/cocaine epidemic, and systemic incarceration. Some of my earliest memories are of going to visit my uncles in prison. I distinctly associate the smell of her fried chicken recipe with these replays. She was Blanche from “The Talking Eggs”, Strega Nona, Jesus feeding a 5000+ crowd……..making full spreads from the thrown away entrails of the entitled. Just as her mother did, and her mother before her. Freedom, equity and opportunity did not welcome her in St. Louis. But she made gold from dust. Alchemy is in my DNA.
I now know, that my grandmother’s generosity wasn’t just rooted in good faith and humility. Those were only facets of the conditioning of Black women to give without receiving, to care for, and heal all and every. A conditioning that still to this very day expects us to save this country, save elections, save non-profits, save the healthcare system, save folks from the very nation that dehumanizes us.
Someone recently tried to explain my fees and what I do as “charging white families more to support Black families.” This shit pissed me off so much. Bih, I ain’t no Robin Hood. First, because I charge A FRACTION of what white doulas are expecting folk to pay, they pocket their whole damn fees, AND I am actually underpaying myself by splitting my “below the market for my experience” fee. Right down the middle. Same service, same quality, same love, just one family gets their care delivered to them on the terms that they decide without the red tape of determining eligibility/worth. Yup, you read that right. I split my fee. The Black family can take the money, or take the service. THEIR CHOICE. If I charged what I am actually worth……then I would be treated as a “crazy woman”, “out of touch with reality”……etc, etc, etc.
Because doula and midwifery care were stolen from occupied people of this land, and the lands fallen to colonization. Because they are in these streets talm ‘bout “The First 40 Days”, but peak level xenophobic and anti-immigrant? Because nursing and healthcare were taken from Indigenous/Black/racialized minds, used Black bodies to deliver the knowledge base for obstetrics and gynecology as we know it today. Because how dare I, an overqualified, over-educated, light-skinned, Black woman charge what I am worth??
Why would I do this? Why would I devalue myself to make what I do attractive to potential clients? If owing this government $60K+ in student loans for a collegiate graduation, and paying child support has taught me anything, it is that the wealthy are generally legally manipulative, bargain-hunting, and cheap. Completely happy to pay you less, while paying themselves and expecting the most. The CEO of the San Antonio Food Bank received a 110% salary increase over the course of this pandemic, while its main and satellite centers had an over 300% increase in the number of families they were feeding. The issue is not just the amount of the salary, it is the lack of hiring and pay freezes into the infrastructure that is doing all of the heavy lifting. It is the fact that there are no designated breast/body-feeding areas in any of these food bank locations. Yup, you read that right. There is no place in quite a few of the satellite and main location of the San Antonio Food Bank to allow people to give their children OUR FIRST FOOD of HUMAN MILK. That many of the gardening beds they boast to provide fresh nutrition, are dry and empty because there is no infrastructure to support it. The entire foundation of the whole non-profit is exposed to the elements, all the while the roof is brand new and laden with tiles. Look at Central Texas Food Bank, the latest salaries are not public information for a REASON. There is not just the Medical Industrial Complex and the Prison Industrial Complex, children. There is ALSO, the Non-Profit/Not-for-Profit Industrial Complex……..But that’s an exposé fa ‘another day.
Why would I still devalue myself knowing that? Knowing that I am actually 5000X more qualified than most of those folks in those doula “directories”? (Yeah, that minimization of myself to make you feel big, that is DEADT. Not transitioned, BUT DEAD/NULL/NON-EXISTENT). Because the systemic, racist oppression of Black folks is weaved into every single fiber of this country. So much so that doula care is for the elite, financially stable, and nine times out of ten the non-ethnic, non-melanated person moves as if having a doula is vying to be the next Pumpkin Spice Latte. So much chatter about decolonizing birth, but only crickets when it comes the to the capitalist and white supremacy running rampant in this “birthworker” space. DONA & DTI empower legal, medical and their other trainees to enter conferences, talks and seminars to further poach information/methodology/culture….then to integrate the stolen into their own business, while feeding the beast of the organization. Rumi wrote a poem about a wife that would eat all of the meat her partner worked over two hundred days to acquire….and then would lie about it. Sounds familiar?
If I have one client who gets it. Who understands/appreciate the lengths I go to ensure that my suppliers are adequately paid a fair and honest wage for their efforts. Another client that understands that the earth, I tend to stays clean and carbon positive. And another clients that gets that I do not take pictures because your data is YOURS. I do not play about autonomy and consent. The minute you put your child and life transition on the internet, it is no longer a closed and sacred space. The minute that child is on the internet, you and your child immediately are revenue to someone you will never meet. The minute your loss is put on the internet, becomes a source of critique and emotional exposure to a society that thinks you should move on, as if the loss was not a whole-ass part of your chest. That one client who also understands that a Black family does not get the luxury of having their autonomy and consent considered at all times. That the desire to rear a child or bury a loved one should not be plagued by poverty and exploitation. Especially, when the system is set-up to put you there, primed and ready to be feasted upon by culture vultures and emotional parasites. And is also designed so that we question and degrade our own???