back again, one mo’again.
and, no i’m not gonna reveal omission odie.
there are millions of omission odies.
Social Media/These Innanet Streets love taking the salacious parts of living, distorts voices into who is “talking” versus who is “silent”, and who has the most marketable existence for the capitalistic coding.
Never accounting for the lasting impacts, the full picture, the entirety of a person’s/people’s existence…just exploiting the proteome of private enterprise within a plutocratic petri dish.
Tik Tok put out a whole commercial that invades feeds implying that it, a social media company that relies on algorithms tracing “virility” is the best way to engage life outside of your screen???
Its’ popularity providing the quickest serotonin/dopamine rush characterized with emotional reactivity.
It is not lost upon me that going viral has priority over minimizing harm from viral infection.
Having the capacity to scientifically notate and observe humanity as we are is a tool of accountability. I was introduced to journaling as a small one. So, keeping a recorded account is not challenging. And in caregiving, it is a necessity. To have a record of my observations is a constant exercise in humility. And, journaling allows me to go back to revisit, review, reassess situations. Like learning to meditate. That shit was HARD AF. Little did I know that in learning to meditate, I would learn that my people-pleasing was due to a lack of boundaries rooted in hope in humanity and trauma…Meditation allows the ability to visualized the internal occlusions… trauma gave me this conflicting ability to actively listen, and take notes on folx outside of myself. Now, it is coupled with the ability to not internalize pain projected at/towards me.
Trauma removed me from my body.
Community taught me to record, to observe, to notate trauma.
Meditation & Nature taught me to integrate trauma.
The amount of time invested to bear witness to my own process fills me with deep gratitude. It marvels me that we all can carry such a capacity. In that carbon crystal matrix of love and witness, this is why I know this life ain’t it... I am not on this planet in the same way many people are; not in arrogance, but in understanding that is full of occlusions... This is a damn, weird ass, changing shell…and I do not take the breath in my body forgranted. And that is a trait/acceptance is what makes people uncomfortable. So uncomfortable.
But how is it that folx are perpetually ready to eat out Brené Brown? Someone that they have never met, saying words that Black Femmes BEEN SCREAMING? How is it that “cringe” is a category of comedy/“content”? How is it that watching a trainwreck is more engaging that trying to stop that train/diminishing danger in the first place? That kind of uncomfortable does not involve risk and/or self-sacrifice.
The crazy part that I am still workin’ through…is that despite the blatant & subversive lying, I continued to care for this fake ass fiscal fraud; and hold them, despite my own shit to process in those moments. I never want anyone to feel as if they were never meant to exist. This person does not acknowledge you earnestly, unless they can profit from the interaction. Their interaction with you is based on your proximity to Whiteness, investment in Eurocentric beauty standards, and self-hatred. The lack of seeing another’s humanity is telling. While your favorites are touting their accomplishments and numbers, I am thinking about each person that has crossed my path, and if I left them better than when we met. And that thought alone is crushing. How does one get to the point where another’s humanity negates one’s own?
How is it that scamming is completely normalized? No matter the currency? No matter the gravity?
Listening to that podcast, I understood why I hated being in public with their peers. Providing quality care should not be commodified, coersive, conjoined to a register of acceptability. There is a whole educational arena concerning “care economy”. But, that is what it is now. Using of numbers to validate and commodify existence, but invalidating the care is so fucking colonialist. Some of the wisest and most experienced humans who I deeply value do not have numbers of those they aided in their head. I did not keep numbers, until White-presenting/ascribing, cis-gendered, heteronormative, “liberal” and “conservative” women and men asked me to for their own agendas. But, when I had a habit of putting others before myself, and had people-pleasing issues……..well, now that is how you get all of the truth before this post.
The populous investment in an expansive attention need reminded me of the importance of labels that the IRS-dodging, insolent interviewee chose. Blatantly projecting material wealth that appeared grimey. Totally being “on brand”.
Then, it clicked.
I am a rare vintage piece, deeply treasured, priceless and found carefully. By those that see God in the mundane, everyday, ether and evident. And with all the high temps and pressure that made me, the proud-proclaiming shy away from me in their own self-hatred. Maybe, that is the truth about me. Vintage is about care, education, and intent. And not everyone understands the feeling of finding a well loved, chenille blanket from the 1940s, someone’s loved “The Sugar Shack” relic, a well seasoned metate, or a set of 1970s velvet damask curtains (the OG “Blueblockers”)! Not everyone likes the feeling of knowing someone will be honest with you, but will also not lie for you. I am not meant to be in the British Museum……y’all want Bernice Stiller hanging out with y’all in a well-lit, heavily guarded fortress containing catalogues of subjugation.
When do you start realizing that the same person that will lie for you, will lie to you? If you would have told me 8-9 yrs ago that all of the research I was doing in order to understand the politics in having birthwork/deathwork as an insurance benefit would have illuminated to me…. that again these innanet streets are lying about what this work takes……..I would have told you years ago, “What matters is getting paid for the care you give.” I would have put a positive spin on the basic reimbursement for gas, a meal, child/elder care as some progress. All the while most of us that are out in these trenches do not look nothing like the figures who history idolizes as the founders of care ethics/caregiving/care economy.
I do not desire for another racialized, colonized body to be diminished just to receive acknowledgement for effort. All the while, capitalism got so many accepting scraps for their irreplacible and invaluable efforts. Being convinced that the choice to be COMPLIANT AND COLLABORATIVE in a system built for your detriment is NOT INFORMED CONSENT. Literally, I was brain+bodywashed to do emotional AND physical labor for free, at my own expense from before birth. By non-Black folx, AND by Black folx… who call themselves lightworkers/birthworkers/deathworkers/social workers/teachers/medical & biomedical professionals/conservatives/liberals/capitalists/communists/colleagues/mentors/family/friends/law keepers/law protectors .........insert proclamation...................insert religious affliation...................insert internet validation..........But again, unaccountable people love optics. Those folx love optics so much, they feel they do not need to critically think. What can receipts prove, if groupthink has folx wholly convinced Sally Struthers/Kim K/Emimem is going to save them?They love sayin’ “If you cannot beat them, join them”, while ignoring the other narrative from rearranging those same words…”If you cannot join them, beat them.”They love sayin’ “All skinfolk ain’t kinfolk”, while ignoring the other narrative from rearranging those same words…“All kinfolk ain’t skinfolk”. They love sayin’ “But, I’m doing the work!”, while ignoring the other narrative from rearranging those same words…”But, I’m working the doing!”They love sayin’ “What you don’t know…”, while ignoring the punctuation, tone, and inflection needed with those same words…”What! You don’t know?”I refuse to suffocate myself for a popular agenda, social acceptance, and just general entitlement.But, I am over the bullshit.
In the Year of Our Lord*, 2024
I no longer call myself a doula.
*The Palestinian Jewish One, that was born to exiled social/cultural/religious/political refugees in a manger on the outskirts of town…as a physical representation of a portion of a TRI-UNE God….They/Them/Their. It is ENGLISH 101.
It is the fucking unrelenting, bare bones, barrier building, bullshit that is given to ACCOUNTABLE BLACK caregivers, birthworkers, deathworkers, midwives, student midwives, social workers, teachers, nurses, student nurses, doctors, AND EVERY SINGLE ROLE WITHIN THIS CARE ECONOMY (from indigeniety to industry)………
I do not want any more fake ass holidays, branded crap, landfill fill, superficial gratitude
without
EQUITABLE, SUSTAINABLE, ADEQUATE PAID TIME OFF without the government needing to know what the hell I did with my paid BLACK AF TIME OFF.
IN 2024, IS IT ME...OR ARE THE SAME FOLX FROM 2018 ASKING THESE QUESTIONS IN A MYRIAD OF WORDS/WAYS/WITHOUT RESERVE AND WITH full AUDACITY?
OR,
HAVING THEIR CHOSEN REPRESENTATIVES WHO HAVE NOT DIVESTED FROM THE BULLSHIT TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS WITH THEIR CHESTS?
QUESTIONS THEY ASK:
“Can you tell me/us a bit of how you came into this work? What issues have you encountered in your journey?”
“Sit on our boards/panels/conference committees, teach us what you know…but you better not make me/us look bad.”
“Validate your reason for existing by creating trauma bonds with others, instead of seeking competent help.”
“If you put in the work with me, eventually you will see a return.”
“Can you help us write this grant so all of us, I meant you will finally get paid?”
AS IF NOTHING HAS BEEN LEARNED?
AGAIN, FUCK FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE, NEL NODDINGS, AND ALL OF THE WEIRDOS that followed/TOUTED/ENFORCED their bullshit.
here is looking at you img idolizing, barbizon birth, dior death & dying GIRLIES.
I am not a slave, as the word “doula” translates to from Greek to English. But, a heaux is most definitely FUCKING FREE-ish.
I will not be associated with a label that is being co-opted by capitalism to create a narrative that “doulas” can fix a broken, unaccountable healthcare system in this country.
No, no more band-aids over .50 caliber bullet wounds.
I WILL NOT BE CONJOINED/COERCED/CONNECTED TO THE NEO-COLONIAL, CAPITALIST MAMMIFICATION & COLORISM OF BLACK FEMMES TO SAVE A MATERNAL HEALTHCARE SYSTEM BUILT TO DEHUMANIZE AND FAIL US.
This country/world can make birth/death diverse according to marketing metrics’ dermal deposits, but the plasma is still pouring out. We were only allowed to be doctors after being allowed to be nurses. We were only allowed to be nurses because of the clear message that our bodies were less than human. All while, our “primitive medicines and methods” were the blueprints of their medical bureacracy. Research material, test populations, psychological deviants created to distance us from our truths and treatments that have existed long before an ego needed to validate it.
The same government had made literacy illegal and/or damn near impossible for my great-grandparents. We were only allowed to be teachers, after this government made it clear that it did not want to teach our Black children. After it made clear that any educational access from a non-White body would encompass assimilation, ethnic cleansing, and an extreme disciplinary system.
Included is the definition of the trigger words that have whomever reads this all hot about their use.
Dark-skinned femmes are being reduced to servitude, while light-skinned femmes are reduced to sex/fantasy.
But there is no discourse on how EVERYBODY in these innanet streets reinforce this dumb ass, ingrained shit?
There is no discourse on how we are all problematic, responsible, and in crisis?
I will not be weaponized for ignorance or hatred. Ignorance of self, nor of others. Hatred of self, nor of others.
I will not have my hope in humanity weaponized for hatred.
I am completely okay with not being a doula/birthworker/deathworker.
Tax-Evasion Tito can keep his beloved Cowboys’ conscience, nuanced nostalgia, and gaggles of germinal groupthink.
He can keep them season tickets, those box seats.
Winning don’t look like a 5 season contract, multiple endorsement deals, record stats, and a Superbowl ring over here.