“I Believe In The Fire Of Love And The Sweat Of Truth”
― Assata Shakur

How does one lose sight of their mission in the midst of the main event?

Well, when you have a habit of choosing others over yourself, you can quickly forget the reason you began in the first place.

Over time, I began to realize the internalized and externalized harm I was doing by not caring for and valuing my own soul. What was I modeling for my clients? What was all of the people pleasing for if I had no body to act out of care towards others? What do I do with the feelings of being used, never being enough, or without value? As I continued to engage birth, postpartum, grief, death, and dying….it became evident that I was killing the very vocation within my body that gave me a reason to get up and press on everyday. It became very apparent that the allopathic medicine dream I sought would be a rapid road to my demise. The decade plus of education would be based in knowledge acquisition and people-pleasing. It became very apparent that I was a means to an end, a tool for the admonishment of someone else’s goals. The saddest parts came sitting in the realization that the Non-Profit Industrial Complex did the absolute same thing.

I joined a local NPO named Giving Austin Labor Support in 2014 for two reasons; one, to offer my experience supporting folx navigating reproductive health; and two, to ensure I stayed on track to apply to medical school. I had wanted to be a scientist since I was a kid reading Britannica volumes, geeking out over the wonders of gardening, ingesting every Bill Nye and The Magic School Bus episode I could. The human body fascinated me. Incessant networks of electricity, sound, fluid and function. Caretaking was in my lineage, willingly, unwillingly, and necessary. The desire to become an OB/GYN evolved with the birth of the person that made me a mother in 2005. My child’s arrival was via emergency C-section. But my prenatal, surgical and post-op care were managed by a Navy Nurse-Midwife (CNM) named Capt. Ogle. I will never forget her. I would have loved to become a Nurse-Midwife, but I had become a single parent within two and a half years of my child’s arrival. There were no nearby CNM programs. But if you are here, then you know that midwifery …especially certified nurse-midwifery programs are STAUNCHLY White. The weird thing is that I met a Black then student midwife through La Leche League in 2005…….Well over a decade later, they are doing their thing in California, as legacy midwife. And ya girl is most obviously not a doctor. lololololol.

Soooooo, I gave birth alone. The other parent passed out during the surgery in the observation room because those were the years in which partners were not allowed in the operating room. So, they were not there passed out on the floor of the OR (Operating Room). They were unconscious on the floor of the observation room, behind a one way mirrored glass pane. They went home shortly after our kid arrived (red flag ignored, for sure). Despite it all, a deep seated belief took root that was an inhumane option in anyone’s case to give birth alone. Even if you want to be completely alone during your birth, I think having someone realllllllllllly close, nearby, in an attainable proximity is about ensuring you do not die in the process. After applying to DTI’s BI+POC (Black, Indigenous, and Person of Color) scholarship in 2014 and getting rejected despite experience and education, I applied to volunteer for Giving Austin Labor Support (GALS). I made it clear upon my acceptance that I was there to support Black, Latinx/Mesoamerican, LGBTQ+, undocumented, Incarcerated, non-English folx. Basically, made it really clear out of the damn gate the game I was NOT here to sit at the feet of White, cisgendered women for reiteration of centuries of exploitation. My experience with La Leche League gave me a lens into the volume of community and advocacy White, cisgendered, family-building women possess. I also was transparent about my quest for medical school admittance.

From the jump I was in it. I went immediately into supporting the requested demographic of life arrivals. It was awesome to be back with the people that made me. El Paso gave me the immeasurable room to grow into a mother, and a woman. But, it also gave me the experience of biomedical research, working in medical education at a new medical school, honing my linguistic skills, navigating medical industry, and all the while being the light-skinned, Black woman in the room. Allowed, not completely accepted. Really only tolerated, until I opened my mouth. At the time of my entrance to GALS, the new Executive Director had just begun their journey leading the NPO.

“Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves”
― Laura Esquivel, Like Water for Chocolate

Between the meetings at a church auxillary building off of South Congress, the births at various local hospitals and birth centers……..I became “friends” with the ED, and a few other birthworkers. Through GALS, I was able to attend Evidence Based Birth Workshops held by the then Volunteer Coordinator, and get a general lay of the land of giving birth in Austin. I was able to be a thread of support for incarcerated, marginalized transients of Travis County Correctional Facility. Countless times, I educated new volunteers, and the supporting administration of the epidemic of Black women dying when bringing forth life.

When things started to go left.

My introduction to Austin Area Birth Center was via THREE, prenatal, non-English speaking GALS clients, who had fortunately procured a non-White, at the time student midwife. Two of the clients lived in a rural area adjacent to Austin which required me to drive to their home for prenatal visits. At the time, I drove a 2009, white Honda Accord LX in great condition. I owned my vehicle and had driven across the Southwest many times. Never more in my life have I been stopped by police then when I relocated to Austin. Hays County, Kyle and Buda Police departments pulled me over EVERY SINGLE evening I cruised down FM 1626 to visit these families. It did not matter that I stated I was en route to or from the home of a civil servant. I never told the family of my consistent inconveniences because pregnancy, assimilation to this country, and being far away from a home country are stressors enough. Their care for me was palpable and I could not add myself to their plate. I also did not feel comfortable speaking to the ED concerning this issue. This was what it was to do this work, for the people who needed it.

Both rural clients had the same experience with this birth center’s South location. The student midwife was present, communicative and competent. The preceptor, not so much. I found during BOTH scenarios the preceptor to be dismissive, degrading and negative in speech. It was honestly as if the clients were an inconvenience themselves. I quickly gathered that the student midwife was the only non-White body in that building. Quickly gathered that they may be the only non-White body on that entire staff. I struggled with this reality, as the staff via media and community chatter were supposedly the last refuge for non-medical birth. The mother of pearl tubs and birthing suites are championed as a serene, stable and safe oasis from the “boops and beeps” of a labor and delivery unit. Both of these families transferred, and I truly tried to compute the reasoning being that is what just happened. I had heard and even met people after these experiences who had “beautiful births there.” It had to be my imagination. All of the negativity was just my imagination. Tone policing the fuck out of myself. My imagination and rationalization were silenced when the third family delivered at the North location. I had hope for this family, as there was a Black CNM on staff at the time. Not even going to pretend as if they did not give me the “I am tired af, trying to do what I need to do to do my job.” look. But, I had hope nonetheless. The midwife (CPM) responsible for this family was not only dismissive, but spoke just like the allopathic physicians they demonize. And their words I shall quote, “The only reason they could come to the birth center (AABC) is because the dad is the owner’s brother. They could not afford it otherwise.” This was held up by many comments comparing the birthing person’s size relative to their partner’s which meant they could not have the baby vaginally. The math allll of a sudden mathed. I fully understood why there were no Black and Brown midwives, birth attendants that remained. I realized that the volume of fuck shit at this chain of birth centers that these folx endured had to be Mt. Everest height of evil. I immediately resolved to not to refer to this birth center group.

Upon the Volunteer Coordinator’s departure in late 2015-early 2016, I applied for the position via the encouragement of the ED to fill in. This was an unpaid position at the time. And due to the amount of work that is required, I made it clear that I would not be able to fulfill the role alone if offered. Myself and another Black woman were co-coordinators until reasons unbeknownst to me….I was the lone Coordinator. GALS had created other positions to fulfill administrative duties which supported the function of the organization before my arrival. These were the Prenatal, Travis County Sheriff’s Office (TCSO), Data & Evaluation Coordination roles. None of these positions were paid. All of these positions we filled by non-White cisgendered women minus the TCSO and Data Coordination roles during my time as a member. The TCSO position was previously held by an Asian-American body. The Executive Director was available and present for questions/direction, but also the only paid person running the organization. Shortly after the previous Volunteer Coordinator left and the Co-Coordination began, the Volunteer Database in the G-Suite vaporized. I tend to download and backup files compulsively due to the years of biomedical research training. I emailed what I had to the ED, and hoped that their investigation could give conclusive information on what happened. Asked and pressed numerous possible solutions to try to get this database that I also needed back up into the G-Suite. Let me reiterate: this was time, valuable compilations of processes, forms, volunteer information that I also needed. I was not told clearly what happened, but would learn years later that it was stated by the ED that I am the one who deleted the years of data, SOPs and processes that the previous coordinator built. Wow. Because accountability and honesty are rare. They are publicized as concepts, but rarely are they executed.

“The world's flattery and hypocrisy is a sweet morsel:
eat less of it, for it is full of fire.
Its fire is hidden while its taste is manifest,
but its smoke becomes visible in the end. ”
― Rumi

While I guess we all just “moved forward”, I did voice things I found concerning. The ED/”friend” had a habit of challenging my stance on the use of Black bodies for certification by White birth-workers. I did not give the reason to them verbatim at the time, but I was adamant about informing the ED of the mad dash of new volunteer non-Black doulas rushing to support Black prenatal requests. I voiced the need to quell this. The behavior of White birth-workers, fresh from their respective DONA/DTI trainings gave “slave auction vibes”. Meaning that they went in hard and fast for racialized, marginalized bodies that projected need but would also be the path of least resistance to their certifications. This is giving Betsy, Lucy and Anarcha vibes. The initial response was “well the client did not specifically request a Black doula. They just stated that they identify as Black.” The requester explicitly stated that they identify as Black. I let her have that one. I let her have the technicality that the requester did not specifically say “I want someone that looks like me.” But, the organization also did not make that an option at the time. The refutation to the same procedural inquiry that got me years later, was the White savior response of letting them handle it, and trust they are making replicas of themselves. So, it is ok for White women to bear witness to harm to black bodies, and then also use those bodies for certification of skills? I think it is really weirdo behavior to allow this when the data has consistently said that better outcomes for Black birthing folx happen when as much if not ALL of the team looks like them. And why, TELL ME WHY (you can sing Keith Sweat or The Backstreet Boys if you want to) do White people have to bear witness personally to Black trauma/pain/neglect in order to believe us? Why does this occurrence need to happen to believe us, when the word of a White woman is all that is required for an audience/advocacy. #MeToo being hijacked by White voices, anyone? Where are the missing Indigenous women, teens and children of this continent, anyone? What about the missing and murdered Black trans women?????

The ED also had a habit of questioning my ethics in front of rooms without any recourse. A red flag incident that stands out in my memory is the publicly disclosed news of Kim Kardashian having a diagnosis of Placenta Previa, and therefore complications at delivery. This was shortly after Beyoncé Knowles-Carter (said with my whole chest) spoke out concerning her traumatic birth. And, I was challenged concerning Kimberly deserving ethical access to adequate healthcare. I will say it here, as I did there, “Kim Kardashian is not in the same category as the these women, and yes she deserves ethical healthcare. BUT (READ THAT SHIT LOUD) she is not Black, she birthed Black bodies. There is a difference.” Also, she is in no place in my opinion to speak on African-American Maternal Mortality, as she and her entire family have culturally appropriated and profited off of Black AND Latinx/Mesoamerican culture as they see fit without any consequence. It is giving that apparently proximity to Blackness makes you able to speak on what it is to be in a Black body. Now, we all know that she and her sisters put their foots in their privileged ass mouths with that Variety interview…….looks like she had more to speak about with #45 than her “criminal justice reform” efforts….Modest loan of one million dollars to start a career anyone? Full housekeeping, groundskeeping, financial advisory, business development staffs, anyone? Harm is done, harm is profited upon, but that should give someone agency to speak on something that does not relate to them???? A lot of White people got things to say about Chris and Will, but ain’t got a damn word to say about the Black woman who endures the violence that led to his joke, the violence of his joke, or the violence due to the joke……There are many situations and conversations that just need not to be addressed by White bodies, but critically made an account of how White bodies made the harm possible. Because at the end of the day, just as centuries before, just like the Emmitt Till’s accuser….when White bodies are held to the fire of accountability, they will be silent, silence the exposé or deny, deny, deny.

After about a year of being the Volunteer Coordinator, filing in for the TCSO Coordinator (who went into private doula practice and focused on their collegiate endeavors), supporting birthing folx whom have sought out GALS support, I honed in on applying to medical school. I held that space for a whole year + Volunteer Coordinator without compensation. The small af stipends I earned from births were usually chucked back to the organization because I had the privilege to refuse it, and I understood that running an organization is not cheap. I got my letter of recommendation, but at what cost? Hindsight is indeed 20/20. In 2017, I became a Volunteer Deputy Registrar in order to ensure that the pregnant, incarcerated folx I supported were registered to vote (A disenfranchised, often denied RIGHT, if they were not yet convicted of a crime). After the swearing in, I questioned the TCSO Sheriff, Sally Hernandez and the Travis County Tax Assessor, Bruce Elfant in a private hallway concerning the rumors of a submission to the County Commission for a new WOMEN’S PRISON. I informed the ED of this conversation, and without hesitation……… I was told that I should not be questioning them concerning that because they are allowing GALS into the jail on good faith. Let me repeat that, me….a Black woman, a light-skinned, afro having Black woman at that…born of a Black woman who’s body was in and out of this carceral system....who has had plenty of bullshit, harassing encounters with Austin Police Department and Travis County Sheriffs Office patrol despite being compliant/law-abiding….should not be questioning the one person who will facilitate the financing and the other who will facilitate and run a new women’s prison……..I should not question the people who had allow folx to be handcuffed to beds, give birth in cells, have opposite gendered officers view their genitalia during birth about building another facility that oppresses racialized, colonized, marginalized folx???????? Sounds like tone-policing, with a nice helping of white silence to me.