sitting here…… listening to an old podcast….. thinking about the word “truth”.

The big catchphrases that I have learned that are directly correlated with people who are overtly “accepting”, but covertly oppressive…..regardless of political affiliation:

“I am living my truth.”*

 “I am speaking my truth.”*

 “My truth is my truth.”*

 “You should speak your truth.”*

*EXEMPTION: Marginalized, colonized, non-heteronormative, differently abled folx…because as the othered are enboldened in declaring their truth, the status quo refuses to be made uncomfortable.

Discomfort is required for growth/change/progress/self-actualization. I believe that Truth should be based in facts, bolstered by hope, affirmed in faith (in One’s self/Higher That Is), spoken out in beliefs, and carried out in action. And, does not always feel good. I have lived a life in perpetual discomfort for the comfort of others. Forty years of making people uncomfortable by just existing + experiential wisdom + observational wisdom =

YOU CANNOT LOVE WITHOUT TRUTH.

Embedded within those thoughts, the reality of my current state is evident from the decades of allowing those phrases for others while having those same people not allow the use for myself. Social media has deeply skewed what “truth” is in this world. It has become subjective. And honestly, generative…The Artificial Intelligence Age is publically here, and I can create a whole different digital existence for myself WHILE USING AI. And said existence can impact my real, unimagined, at times surreal life. Those of us considered valuable by ability to input into this economy, have chosen to listen to those who accrue, and hoard the surplus of capitalism. We are blindly giving over our whole identities and autonomy to programming not meant for our thriving. Giving over ourselves, blindly and willfully ignoring their terms and conditions.

Hours of life everyday stolen by algorithmic intoxication…..behavior modification, and Pavlov would be proud. Drooling over phantom treats every single time the phone vibrates/rings/flashes. Just look at how many parents are on their phones instead of being fully present to parent/self-evaluate/observe. How many times do I read/hear/see the complaints/see the newest solution for kids being addicted to tech? Have you been to a departure ceremony/homegoing/funeral lately? How is it that someone has departed their bodies, but folx’ phones have their gazes? Reminds me of when bell hooks speaks about children’s rights, truth-telling, lying, and lying by omission. We lie to children about birth, death, and everything in between. And, then we shame them for illuminating our deficiencies with their unfiltered, targeted, unpretentious gaze.

There is “truth”, there is hope, there are beliefs, there is faith, and there are facts.

But, there ARE ALSO them actionssssss.

What I am realizing more and more, I have a wide allowance for others’ “truth”, absolutely accept the diversity of faith, have huge tolerance for others’ beliefs, and a child-like hope in humanity.

But, the reason I cannot remain in certain relationships and communities is being a keeper of facts and receipts. And the level of accountability a relationship with me requires is no small feat.

Two ears, one mouth.

And no one, not even a narcissist…likes a mirror with fluorescent lighting with a mic and speaker that has recorded time one has spent in front of it.

Listening to this podcast, I feel a lot of things. But most importantly, it reaffirms that I am a keeper of facts. And that the truth of what happened is in those facts. My presence has always been one that without effort exposes things as they are. And, provocateurs, people with deeply hidden selves, and extremely public personas do not do well near me. I feel like I bring out the fuckery in people that they try their best to hide.

An Exercise in Accountability for myself:

Early last year, I had to give a genuine apology for my actions as a result of advised, but necessary self-preservation and protection. After it was given, I affirmed the suggestion of the offended party in conversation that I was scared to interact with a prominent White owner of a doula collective…….

Apparently, they were unreceptive/unintutive to the fact that I was NOT going to be the mother, stepmother, nanny, maid, diversity hire, a public cultural and ethnic lithmus test for “inclusivity”…and that is probably due to my history with this person.

I lied, dead ass. I am not scared of a White doula business owner.

I refuse to be aligned with optics. I refuse to be a part of peoples’ needing to show the world they are doing the most with the grace that BLACK WOMEN give them. I am not going to a weapon in perpetuating complacency.

I’ll pass, AND I am tired of giving grace that I rarely if ever receive……. And if that means I don’t get referrals or those people do not feel good about me…..or talk shit, IDGAF FR FR. Y’all can take that bare minimum, I want EQUITY. I am tired of the solidarity spurts.

Capitalism ain’t got me in that kinda chokehold where I am pressed for referrals and associations. My identity is not rooted in pain that is being used for profit.

Used to be, but not no mo’. The “Doula work” is literally The Junior League…

A lot of y’all are so pressed for allies/accomplices in positions of power, that y’all will keep up the dynamics for financial and self-esteem gain. I cannot continue sacrificing my personal growth for associations. That ain’t never been my steez. My worth is not defined by things and people. I am not going to allow my time to be taken up/delegated to creating nylon threads of TEMU relationships. Y’all good with being “Miracle Gro”. I know all of the best things in this life take time. I know that good asparagus takes planning and years. I understand seasons. Literally, this whole “birthworker boom” is being pushed as advocacy…..when let’s be honest, many of us are diversity hires and pawns in an agenda that yet again profits primarily….

Survival mode has folx’ liking being strange fruit to people who give us “weeds”, accepting SUSTENANCE those people throw TO THE WAYSIDE, and silent when them people need to Shut *Thee Fuck up, and/or SIT *Thee Fuck DOWN. 

Living as diasporic pawns in oppression, swearing they liberating us all…reading this blog with aires that exempt you from accountability.

………………………………………………………………

Yet another year has passed, and the African-American Maternal Mortality data SAID WHAT???? DESPITE ALL THE DOULA BANDAIDS, OUR DEATH RATE INCREASED? WE STILL OUT HERE DYING, DESPITE IT ALL???

Literally, movin’ and believin’ that using the master’s tools and family is going to dismantle the master’s house?????

ASKING US TO YET AGAIN TAKE A TRASH ASS MATERNAL HEALTHCARE SYSTEM NOT BUILT FOR US, AND TURN IT INTO FOOD & MEDICINE FOR THE SOUL?

EVEN AS THE TRUTH about our people dying IS BEING WITHHELD FOR POLITICAL GAIN for people who dgaf about us?

I am not in survival mode.  The immense metastatic tumor of groupthink in this work is the indicator. The rejection + silencing of dissenting thought is a KPI of contemporary capitalist feminism.

Where are the public and ACCOUNTABLE organizers/legal representation/LOBBYISTS/super PAC contributions that are making sure you/WE have ethical autonomy over your reproductive futureS?

I have learned that those whom have labeled plants weeds are the same people now seeking its medicinal and culinary brilliance.…..Those same people are SITTING IN CORPORATE AND COMMUNITY SPACES, having backyard Ayahuasca ceremonies, claiming Indigeniety (or confusing Anti-semitism for receiving criticism, but that blog is for another day), opting out of structures that I cannot while claiming they acknowledge “The Sacred Springs” as their drunken selves piss into the water every Austin City Limits? Swinging phantom phalluses while donning red hoods.

Black bodies are being broken from the inside out by the allostatic stress from living in places that label metal, cinder blocks, two by fours, as “homes”. Those of my people that are still in survival mode find my sanctuary in unmanipulated landscapes as crazy/privilege play/”White People Shit”? How is it that non-White bodies can make fun of the GIF above, and accept the normalization of being in nature for White/White-ascribed bodies. Why is it so much harder to acknowledge our vision was created and operates in radians + degrees, and was colonized into angular processing. Eyes originally created to observe and steward biodiversity…in the round…got us in a visual chokehold.

Eyes now “NATURALIZED” for scaffolds of skyscrapers, while the financier/foreperson/framer controlS it all, off-site/off-sight with all of us in sight using survival SHEKELS to incite.

Grasp it by the root, or go on bout your damn business. ‘Cause I have seen too many arrivals, deaths and simultaneous transitions to PLAY FUCKING POPULARITY GAMES. The ability to disregard the truth of impermanent existence while spending time posturing, posting, proof-reading, proving… willfully locked into 2D jockeying for power and position… is telling.

Social media is the new socially acceptable addiction. Add it to the list of capitalist/imperialist/white supremacist/patriarchal -isms that are swept under the literal and figurative American Carpet of Dreams.

So much so, that you will buy tickets to see the newest version of “White men’s adaptation of a White man’s book chronicling capitalist colonization via inflitration + mass murder…….because it allows Indigenous folx to play themselves and hold positions of gestured power?”

I grew up in Osage Territory. And fortunately had non-White PUBLIC SCHOOL EDUCATORS, who told us the truth of land and water seizure. Told us the truth of Lewis & Clark, of Sacajawea’s indentured slavery, of what the Louisiana Purchase really meant for the enslaved and indigenous body.

I am not gonna give breath/time/vision/tympanic membrane vibration to the film/birthwork/deathwork/caregiving industry, unless COLONIZED/RACIALIZED/MARGINALIZED DESCENDANTS OF AMERICAN IMPERIALIST COLONIAL GENOCIDE have FULL CONTROL OF THE NARRATIVE AND FINANCES.

The ability to tell the truth, regardless of self (amongst so many other “flaws”) is a conflicting trait that has made me a phenomenal caregiver. People are allowed to be themselves fully, because I will not deny another human their dignity to exist, and live as they are. If you ascribe to whiteness, but reside in an othered bodied, that is your trauma and internal hatred YOU gotta work out. And you deserve grace and time for that.

Lemme pull from y’all friend,“insert favorite half-assed, optical White feminist” favorite book to make it plain for you:

I am NOT bell hooks, so in my own words

YOU either love, rest, seek respite, and decolonize in equity,

or

MOVE THEE FUCK OUT OF THEE WAY FOR MY EXISTENCE IN THE MEAN TIME.

I AIN’T GONNA SIT HERE TO BE TARGET PRACTICE DURING YOUR PURGE.

TAKE YA *INSERT ig post* SELF-HATING ASS ON SOMEWHERE ELSE.

FUCK FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. FUCK NEL NODDINGS.

BOTH Florence Nightingale & NEL NODDINGS REGURGITATED, REINFORCED, AND BENEFITTED FROM PATRIARCHY, RACISM & CAPITALISM.

BOTH ARE CELEBRATED, QUOTED, acknowledged FIGURES IN AMERICAN HEALTHCARE AND EDUCATION.

BOTH ARE CONSIDERED FOUNDERS…

Care Ethics & Education’s Pioneers?

The PURE ASTONISHMENT……listening to this podcast….to this version of a person’s experiences……The sheer volume of emotional labor I had to do on this person’s behalf would bankrupt their whole roster of “identities”. This person lied using, and not using language. Via proclamation and omission. Via action and inaction. The exploitation of their own culture for financial gain was witnessed. The use of relational labels for gain was witnessed. Lies about relationship status and consent were observed. The bloating of financial stability being deflated by the realities of life were observed. The relenquishment of responsibility in a demise that was mediated by their narcissism was recorded. The use of racialized, marginalized bodies for emotional and physical labor while prioritizing the status of their MAGA-mates. The verbal and visual creation of a false narrative rooted in white savior, patriarchal, capitalist propaganda ready packaging.

I was made ethical by fire. But the minute, the second, the milli-second a fact comes out of my mouth……you would swear I was hunting down egos like Jerry Falwell quoting politicians hunting down othered bodies and history...

Those in the path of my observation cannot handle that 825,000 pounds per square inch, that extraterrestial impact, that 800+ degrees Celcius…..because that combo got them lost in that caustic sauce….

And that part that is bonkers to me, is that when I reflect what they said verbatim back to them, with their same tone ,and inflection = Alledgedly I was there, alongside of them, making Hades of their traumatic adolescence...or that I am within the spectrum of Autism, or that I have not dealt with my own trauma?

Naw, y’all like to act “inclusive”, but this heat reveals how EXCLUSIVE y’all really are.

to be continued…